Chains and Revelations: Youji
by Fractured Dreams
Summary: For him, life had its set patterns, and he was content just to follow them.By day, he was a florist, by night, an assassin.... Y x K.


**Disclaimer: **_This is a work of pure fiction- neither the boys nor the concept of Weiss Kreuz belong to me. I'm just using them!_

**Warnings: **_Language, mentions of violence, shounen ai. If you don't like any of this then don't read!_

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_**Chains and Revelations: Youji**_

Youji had never had a real family. It was something that had never really bothered him. He had never yearned for that kind of security and love- had he never really needed it. After all, how could you miss something you'd never had?

And after seeing how royally fucked up Omi's and Aya's families were, he wasn't sure if it was such a bad thing. If there was one thing he didn't need, it was that kind of emotional baggage. He had enough of that as it was.

For him, life had its set patterns, and he was content to just follow them. By day, he was a florist, surrounded by giggling, cute school girls (not that he minded that much, but they could get annoying from time to time.) By night he was an assassin, ridding the world of the grime that lurked in the darkest of places. Following that (and the most pleasant of the three) he was a sex fiend, a dancer, a drinker and a flirt. Sure, being an assassin was dirty work, and killing wasn't something he enjoyed, but someone had to do the dirty work, dealing with the scum and filth of the human race. And who better to do the job than him?

Youji had seen many things, most bad, and some good. People died, both the innocent and guilty, and people exploited and took advantage of each other. It was just another part of life, just another cycle, and it was inescapable.

That's what he told his restless and discontent mind when he lost himself in the arms of yet another woman's or man's arms. Or when he threw back another shot, or as he smoked cigarette after cigarette. It was natural, and if it wasn't him then it would be someone else who dealt with the dredges of society as he did.

Sometime he wondered if he had just found a way of deceiving himself into believing that there was nothing else for him to be, nothing more than killing people. After all, he was very good at it.

Every time he strangled the life out of another person, every time they struggled, and drew their last breaths, he told himself that it was a necessary evil.

He had no clue what his team mates thought of their double lives, but he knew what he thought.

_This is all there is for us. There is nothing else- no redemption, no great heaven beyond what we build for ourselves. _

_We must make our own oblivion with what we can; we must lose ourselves in our illusions._

A bitter truth, perhaps, but one he found rang truer than anything else he knew. Occasionally, it occurred to him that maybe that was the only thing that kept him going. There was too much blood on his hands, of the kind that would never wash away, and sometimes he was sickened by the sight of it. Other times, he was just too weary to care.

There was nothing for him beyond what he had.

Whenever he looked at Omi, or Aya or Ken, he could see something that separated them from him. Maybe they still held hope for their own futures. Aya fought to protect and avenge his family. He had a goal at least, something that Youji didn't.

Omi sought to right the wrongs of his family; he still believed that if he tried hard enough, he could help make the world a perfect place. But he never could, Youji knew, because there would always be more evil.

And Ken. Youji had never figured out what kept him going, but it didn't really matter.

He wouldn't be the one to disabuse them of their illusions and their hope. The world would do that for them, soon enough.

Maybe he was being too cynical. Or maybe he wasn't, he still hadn't made up his mind about that.

He took a swig from the bottle of Smirnoff ice in his hand and reclined lazily in back in his chair on the balcony.

The night's mission had been, to him at least, a failure. Nothing else really mattered to him except for the fact that Neu, the woman who had once been Asuka, had died. He had killed her- his former partner and his love. The one ghost who had haunted him relentlessly for years. But then, Neu had stopped being Asuka on the fateful day he had thought he'd lost her.

She'd changed, or been changed, by forces which neither of them could control.

Youji wasn't sad- not exactly. For in a way he had already mourned her. He had mourned for the feisty woman he had once known, and he finally had closure. But that didn't stop him from remembering.

The glass door behind him slid open quietly, and then closed. Ken took the empty seat beside him, but he said nothing in the way of greeting.

The brunet sighed as he tilted his up to look at the dim stars.

"Tough mission, eh?"

"Hmm." Youji took another sip from the bottle and fumbled around for his cigarettes.

Pulling the slightly crumpled packet from his shirt pocket, he shook one out, stuck it in his mouth and began to search for his lighter.

"It's funny. After all this time we've been doing this, I've never once felt that I wasn't doing the right thing. I've regretted things that have happened and things I've done, but somehow, I know it wouldn't be right if I was just another person, ya know?" Ken said quietly, reaching out and stealing his bottle.

Youji let him, grunting in triumph as he located his lighter and lit up.

He inhaled the much needed nicotine and exhaled slowly, watching the smoke disperse into the night air and disappear.

"It's different for me," he said eventually. "I don't think there's anything else out there. This is all I'm capable of, I think."

He felt Ken looking at him, but he made no move to meet that penetrating gaze, instead staring out over the slumbering city before them as he thought.

"You know the funny thing is, I've never really had a family, or anyone I can say I've ever truly love. Except for Asuka. And I managed to fuck that up, didn't I?" Youji mused, hearing the bite of bitterness in his voice as he looked down at the dim glow of his cigarette in the darkness.

"Just like everything else."

"Do you really believe that, Youji?" Ken interrupted. "Because I don't. You always manage to do the right thing, and you've always come through for us. You did all you could for Asuka. If you couldn't change her mind then nothing else could have."

"I'd like to believe that."

"Then what's stopping you?" Ken asked now, impatience getting the better of him. "Have you always thought like this or is it just because you're depressed?"

" 'm not depressed," he mumbled around his cigarette. "Stop nagging at me. You're beginning to sound like a woman."

Ken huffed, but made no move to leave. There was no of the actual heat behind the words they exchanged. Not like there usually was when they fought.

"This self abuse isn't very becoming of you." Ken told him with a frown.

Youji rolled his eyes, knowing ken could see it and not caring.

"If I wanted a lecture, I would have gone and kept Omi company. Or Aya for that matter."

"Yeah well, neither is available right now, so you're stuck with me." Ken grinned.

Youji returned it, not bothering to hide his amusement.

"D'you ever get tired of all the lies, Ken?" Youji pondered, resting his head back and breathing out a lungful of smoke.

"Sometimes. But then again, there are times when I'm relieved. It helps me to experience what it's like to be normal. I can see people as something other than a target."

"You're very different from me. You see things from a different perspective."

"Mmmm. And we're both different from Aya and Omi. They're both similar in more ways than they know," Ken agreed, taking another sip from his bottle before handing it back. Youji stubbed out his but and pulled out another.

"You may be right there Hidika."

"I think I've got you figured out at least, Kudoh."

The blunt statement took him by surprise again, and intrigued him. It was just the type of thing Ken would say- straightforward and to the point, just like everything else about him. He was never afraid to tell someone what he thought, and it was a quality which Youji always appreciated, even if he didn't always like what he said. You could always count on Ken to tell you the truth.

"Tell me about myself then, oh wise one."

Ken didn't smile at the joke, as he looked straight at Youji unflinchingly. Youji found that he couldn't look away even though he desperately wanted to.

"I think you distract yourself with women and alcohol, so you don't have to face the reality of your life, and what you do. It's a coping mechanism. I don't think you're as carefree or as light-hearted as you pretend to be. You can't be in our line of work, unless you're insane. You can't deal with what we do, so you do anything you can to escape."

Youji thought about his words for a long moment before skulling the rest of his beer and stubbing out his second cigarette.

"You're probably right. I'm just a coward beneath it all. To tell you the truth, I'm not really surprised."

"I never said you were a coward," Ken said sharply.

"Then spare me your riddles, Hidika! I don't need anything else to think about tonight!" Youji snapped suddenly, tired and frustrated.

"I think that underneath it all, you're an honourable man, loyal and good hearted. You've built yourself a barrier to keep yourself from getting hurt. It's nothing to be ashamed of. We all have our ways of coping." Ken told him calmly.

Disgruntled, Youji settled back once more in his chair.

"That's a nice thing to say, Ken-ken" he said uncomfortably. "But…"

"You don't have to believe me. It doesn't mean it's not true though."

"Hmmm. We'll see." Youji closed his eyes and they sat in silence, just enjoying the company of each other.

Youji felt weariness creeping up on him. Added to the alcohol, and the tedious mission, he knew he was going to fall asleep soon.

A cool breeze stirred, lifting the bangs off his forehead and he hummed, enjoying the feel of the breeze on his slightly sweaty skin.

He knew he should really have a shower, then go and lose himself in his bed for a good long sleep. It was certainly an appealing idea, but he couldn't bring himself to leave Ken's side. It was nice, being out here alone together, just sitting in the darkness and just talking. It felt as though they were in their own little world.

Granted, they weren't talking about the most comfortable of topics, but he didn't mind at the moment. The alcohol had relaxed him, and made him lower his defences.

"It's all just an illusion." He murmured, not really knowing what he was talking about. "It's all just one big deception."

"Is that what you really think or are you just running again?" was the lazy question.

"I don't know anymore, Ken-ken. And it's entirely your fault." Youji replied, without any heat.

He jumped when a warm, rough hand curled around his forearm.

"Then am I real, Youji? Or am I just another illusion?" Ken asked in a whisper, moving forward in his chair.

"No." Youji replied, his voice suddenly hoarse. "You're very real."

"Good," Ken said, standing up. "Because I want to be real. To you, at least."

Youji froze, not sure what to think or say about such a bold statement. Ken saved him from doing either by lowering himself onto Youji's lap, straddling him and pressing their bodies together, their faces very close.

Youji swallowed, and then sighed when he felt the heat of Ken's body penetrate his own. This was what he needed. Someone who actually cared and someone he cared for in return.

Someone who knew him inside and out and still liked him.

Youji slipped his arms around Ken's trim waist and studied the younger man through half lidded eyes.

"Let me be your distraction, Youji." Ken breathed. "Just me. I promise you won't need anyone else ever again."

Youji drank in every detail of Ken's handsome face and a smile began to creep onto his face involuntarily.

"I think I'd like that Ken-ken."

Hot lips brushed his tenderly, chastely. It was a simple kiss, but it was all he needed, because it was different from the usual passionate tongue locks he'd engaged in and he loved it.

Ken pulled back, his calloused hands were running over his face lightly, and it was a touch he'd never known before. Youji marvelled at the love there was behind it. The devotion he saw in Ken's eyes wasn't something that could be faked, even by the best of actors.

He exhaled as Ken kissed his cheek and rested his head on his shoulder. Tightening his arms around his friend, his lover, his whatever the hell they were, he smiled as he breathed in the scent of Ken. The younger man smelled of the outdoors, sunshine and fresh air. Youji thought then that it was the best scent in the world.

As he held Ken in his arms, an empty void deep within him filled slowly with some unfamiliar emotion. It felt good and it felt right.

Youji fished out another cigarette with one hand and stuck it in his mouth.

"You smoke too much." Ken grumbled. "It's bad for your health."

"Nag, nag, nag." Youji muttered with a smile on his lips.

It was another flaw he'd have to work on- everyone knew he had countless flaws- but for once, he felt as if maybe he could do something about it at last.

If he couldn't, well then, at least this was the best illusion he could ever hope to find.

**End**

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A/N: Well there you go. I don't really know what inspired me to write this. I just picked up a pen and just began to write. I hope you liked it anyway!

Leave a review and tell me what you thought!

Ja Ne!


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